13 Mar 2012

Bringing up parents

Some of you may know I sort of moved back to India from Singapore recently. 'Sort of' because it's very much an experimental situation - I really hate Singapore and I want to go back to Uni to study english literature or shadow puppetry or invisible dog walking, something that cannot possibly spawn gainful employment (because work is Death)- so I packed all my stuff and hopped a flight to the ol' parental residence. But they don't know I've moved because they're kind of on probation - I'm in the process of determining if I can cope with living with them again, after eleven grand years, at the ripe old age of almost-28. I need to find out if their views have changed on midnight curfews, on coming home drunk, on coming home at all. If not, hey I haven't even unpacked - I'll hop a flight right back to stupid Singapore.

Over the last few days, I couldn't help feeling a little like a private detective or a spy or an investigative reporter at the least. I've been walking around taking notes: "hmm..Dad still doesn't tip, and his dinner conversation skills may actually bore me into finding a job" or "ooh, Mom just dumps any clothes I leave lying around in the washing machine - with other peoples' stuff. Not cool." Sometimes, I ask them hypothetical-sounding questions to guage their responses: "so Dad, if I suddenly quit my job and decided to go to uni and moved in with you guys and needed a monthly allowance, that'd be pretty fun huh?" Dad looks up from his paper and says: "No." Mom just nods.

Sometimes I lull them into a false sense of security:"Dad, this may be the last time we sleep under one roof."
Dad: "Hope springs eternal, son."
Sometimes I just lie: "Dad, you know how you're kind of my hero? I mean I'd like to think I remind people of you." 
Dad: "That's right, give your father a heart attack before you go back. Please go back. And don't tell the paramedics we're related."

So far, it's not looking good. I'll probably have to go back to work, bloody hell. So I made a pros and cons (if I stay).

No bills, no rent, no work, no wearing a suit, fun times at uni (probably), no pressure to get married, have babies, be normal etc because "he's still studying".

Dad will list every single vitamin and the diseases those vitamins cure every time I eat a fruit.
Mom will keep washing my shirts with my little niece's poo-and-piss-covered underthings.
Dad will keep stealing up behind me while I use the comp (go away pop, yes I know you're there right now.)
Mom will end sentences with variants of "if our son ever settles down". Like today: "I'm just saying the chicken's a little undercooked. The new maid's not settled in yet. Bit like our only son, who'll never settle down."
Dad will also list all the things that can go wrong every time I eat a fruit: "I hear they inject pig ejaculate into oranges to give them their sheen". (seriously Dad, I can hear you giggling behind me, just go away.)

I'm still undecided. They'll probably hold my old job for me for another week, max. God, if you're listening, send me a Sign. In varsity colours. Something obvious. Like a recently divorced, picking-up-the-pieces-by-joining-uni woman who needs a live-in rebound. Please.  


Pink Gingham Girl said...

Pro: you will have a WHOLE new list of hilarious blog topics to entertain us with (well, they'll be hilarious to us, maybe annoying to you.) Crossing my fingers for you, hope a blue cow falls from the sky to show you the way.

red dirt girl said...

Hmmmm .... a sort of "when pigs fly" type of sign, eh?!!

Somewhere, somehow I think you'll get your sign.

In the meantime, I'm giggling along with your dad. Wait, before you write another dead-pan hilarious post, let me get the popcorn and a cola. I'm settlin' in to watch the show :)


A Beer for the Shower said...

This is very funny, man. Haven't actually chuckled like that at a blog post all week. Your dad sounds like a laugh riot. I appreciate dry curmudgeonly humor. Good luck convincing them to let you back on the teat...

icyhighs said...

Hey Pink & Red (haha, that's an entire colour spectrum), thanks for the kind thoughts. I sure hope I can get this shit worked out soon.

Cheers ABFTS - I was actually thinking to myself it would be grand if I had your comic-drawing skills when I was writing this piece. I'd have loved to do those little cartoons with dialogues instead of just writing stuff down!