16 Mar 2012

The Expac

Shit! The little green blob next to my username says I'm still online. She's seen me, I know she's seen me and I can't sign off now without congratulating her. That would break our Ex-lover Pact of Civility A.K.A The Expac. I thought it would be less pathetic if it sounded like the name of a wrestler at Royal Rumble circa 1998. She thought it was ironically just the kind of thing that led her to break up with me.

"Hello, you bride-to-be-you, you!" I type in.
"Hello Mr. lost-in-translation" she types back.
"I saw the FB update. Congratulations."
"Thanks, he's a doctor."
"Oh that's a relief, I thought his name actually ended with M.D. I was wondering if it's pronounced how it's spelled."

G-talk says she's typing. And deleting what she typed apparently. And starting over. This is giving me too much time to think. Stop thinking! 

"What do you mean  "hello mr. lost-in-translation" ?"
"Well, you know..."
"Not really, no."
"Coz you're never really here nor there."

G-talk probably told her I was typing. And sputtering indignantly. And deleting. And starting over.

"Meaning what exactly?"
"Well you say you want to be a writer. Then you join uni to study Economics. You work for a few years and quit coz you want to be a writer. Then you go off and work in China for a few months. Now you're back and you want to go to uni again? That's neither here nor there."
"I'd have taken the short answer."
"Well, there ya go."

"So everybody should be a doctor? Do we even have that many diseases?"
"This is not about Him, M.D. It's about you not knowing what you want to do with your life."
"I don't want to do anything! Why dont ppl get that? I want 2 do NOTHING. Why do v all have to do stuff?"
"Seven years ago, I'd have thought that was troubled and sexy. Now I just feel sorry for your parents."
"Oh fuck you."
"Very mature. Bye."

"Ok, ok I'm sorry. Wait, you started this."
"I didn't. You realize our fights are all fights you pick with yourself?"
"That's kind of a hot thing to say. What're u wearing?"
"You're pathetic."
"C'mon, you never think about me anymore?"
"Only if I'm trying not to cum."
"That's something, isn't it?"
"No, bye. I have a deadline to hit, and you have an ocean of self pity to wallow in, I'm sure."
"Oh yeah the waves are fantastic this time of the year. You should visit."

G-talk says she's signed out. But what does G-talk know? She's probably hiding out, typing me a lengthy, apologetic email. It's all laid out clearly in the Expac.

You can read more excerpts from my novel Exes and Sevens here . And here.  And here. 


Shazaf said...

oh how entertaining.

Pink Gingham Girl said...

Oh, the dreaded facebook relationship status update. I've been there a few times, myself. Well done with the 'fuck you!'

goatman said...

I wish my communications were as clever and funny --- very nice.

Helena said...

Oh, those ruddy green blobs...! It's a bastard when you're nabbed via them. You held you're own well, anyhow...!!

red dirt girl said...

Oh how I do love your sharp edges! The green blob - that's why I'm always invisible. I'm the perfect lurker.


icyhighs said...

Pink : A woman after my own heart!

icyhighs said...

Hey Goatman: I know it sounds weird but my ex and I actually talk like this (only to each other) when we text/chat/email. You should see us when we have an actual conversation though - utter shambles.

icyhighs said...

Ha Red, never took you for a lurker!

Adrita Sircar, dreamy said...
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Adrita Sircar, dreamy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
dreamy said...

The green blob.....:) I hate it!

Was passing by. Loved the post.

Cheers !

icyhighs said...

Hey Dreamy, the green blob is quickly turning into the '├žaller display' of our times. Remember when those things first hit India? Calling and hanging up on that unattainable woman you pined for would never be the same again!