17 Aug 2012

Every me, every you

I hoard information. It's what I do. When I like someone, I can never stop with the basics - where they work, what they like to do with their spare time, why they prefer Wednesday afternoons to Thursday mornings. Not enough. I need to know what they looked like as kids. Why they're afraid of commitment. Who broke their hearts and when and how. If they had a dungarees phase, whether they rate Seinfeld higher than Arrested Development,  where they see themselves six months down the line. I need to be let in, and allowed to poke around, hammering away at their walls, their defenses, till they're laid bare for me to redecorate, to be clothed in me.

This is usually a long and drawn out process, spread over first dates and celebratory dinners and birthday parties and weekends together and impromptu trips to Giants Causeway. It just sort of happens- little nuggets of information about their personality, their views on politics and philosophy and sports that they unknowingly  drop into my eager, waiting hands, nary a clue that they're being stored for posterity in a possibly Frankensteinian data lab in the back of my twisted mind, mixing and analyzing and holding up to the light to see what parts I'd like to keep, what I'd choose to delete.

Maybe it's not as sinister as it sounds. I suppose we all do it, one way or the other, exorcise the ghosts of the past, personalize our persons of interest. Deprogram all the conditioning out of them, what they've come to expect out of a relationship based on what they've had before, little Pavlovian treats for a trick unlearned, a tick unticked, an ex outgrown. What good is being with someone if you can't change them, turn them into you? Isn't that what this is all about, this crazy dance we do, aren't we all really just looking for a better, more beautiful us we can crawl into?    

I'm not sure any more. Maybe you can just like someone exactly as they are. Maybe all the hoarding, the sifting through life data, the perusal of their minds for words you can swallow or borrow or deconstruct, maybe that's all we need. Maybe you'll meet someone so secure in their skin, you'll want them to change you instead, to lend you a little bit of them. Could that happen? Maybe that instinct, that need, to completely take over and inhabit somebody else's existence becomes less pronounced with time, with age and maturity and learning to be okay with one's self. I certainly hope so. It'd be a shame to fuck this one up.    

   Icy Highs's Music Recco: "Every Me, Every You" by Placebo from Without You, I'm Nothing


The Angry Lurker said...

Damn close to stalking!

Workingdan said...

I never thought of it that way...wanting them to be a better version of ourselves. Very deep and thought provoking.

Come to think of it, you may be right. I want so bad for my wife to understand me that I try to infuse my thoughts, interests, and way of thinking into her.

I put other things in her as well but that's between me and her!

Great post!

Lori said...

I understand your point. I do believe their is a happy medium. Have you ever been with someone who makes you want to be a better person? The best you that you can be? I guess it works both ways in this strange, often painful dance. Nice to catch up on your writing!

Mystical Skeptical Me said...

The part about you borrowing a tiny part of them? True. So true! :)

Loved this one. Thought Provoking. :D

Windsmoke. said...

When you've been married to the same partner for many, many years you become each other, believe me i've seen it happen.

kbbuddingwriter said...

I think this all connects into each human's deep, unreducable self-love.

Revacious said...

Whoa, a little scary. Love doesn't sound all that appealing at all, now.
But anyway, all the best, Icy!

Terra Shield said...

I think you can only like someone as they are if they are almost similar to you, which is why I get very excited when I meet a 'kindred spirit'

If you're different, one person will always try (subconsciously) to change the other.

Anonymous said...

I am a little frightened. I don't want to change a person, nor do I want them to change me. I like stalking, though.

Igirit said...

don't fuck it up, then. :) i would think it's almost entirely up to you.

Pink Gingham Girl said...

I think that's the beauty in a relationship. You learn from (and about) each other, and in the process, you learn more about yourself. I think you can grow from the love you develop for another person. It most definitely changes you, but only time can tell in what ways.

icyHighs said...

Thanks for reading, you guys.

Lurker - Haha that's what i was going for. NOT. lol

Dan - I certainly hope the other things stay between the two of you dude. Though there's always wiggle room for a comic strip illustration or something. HINT!

Lori - That's the thing yeah. It's always a toss up between how much better I can be for you and just how much of my shit will you take. That sounds horrible but I think it works more subconsciously than not. Which is no excuse, of course.

Mystical - Glad you like it. That's new for me. It's nice to be that interested in somebody else, instead of how I'm going to change them.

Windsmoke - I know what you mean. Some couples actually end up looking like each other. Which is weird coz people kept asking if my ex and I were siblings. True story, unfortunately.

KK- "Selflove". *Snigger* LOL

Rev- Haha, now I'm turning women off love? I hope they put that on my tombstone :)

Terra - I'm in agreement, theoretically, though I'd like to believe I can pull off a chalk-and-cheese. Like one of those odd couples you see on TV. Looks like fun.

Nellie - Stalking is the bomb. Good things happen when ppl stalk. YES.

Igirit - I certainly hope so :)

Pink - Look at you all grown up! Look what the 9-5 is doing to you. Where are the snarky penis jokes?

goatman said...

If you ever meet someone like yourself there will be this big explosion and when the dust clears you will hold hands and be silent . . .

Aysh said...

Arrested development is way better then Seinfield...Just saying!

Ygraine said...

I know exactly where you're coming from!
I've also have this need to get inside of the mind of every person I'm in a relationship with.
Like you, I seem to be unsatisfied with what information I find on the surface, and HAVE to dig ever deeper for whatever I want to find there.
I'm sure we ARE looking for better versions of ourselves in others, and perhaps the ultimate intimacy.
Sadly, though, it often scares potential partners away!

Helena said...

We've all got room to change but I don't think I can be totally honest with anyone. There's always a bit of me that will stop with me for life.