28 Jul 2012

Dating for Neanderthals

I am by most standards a dating Neanderthal. I don't think I'm a particularly bad boyfriend, but I'm a terrible asker-outer. I seem to spend a lot of my time attending wedding or engagement receptions these days, and listening patiently to stories of the how-we-met variety while silently praying for instant apocalypse. What I did notice about these stories though is that they almost always involve some superhuman effort on the part of the parties concerned to make things happen. My own cupboard is quite bare in that department.

So I invested in some serious introspection to come up with a best-of moment, one shining example of a time when I stepped up to the plate and completely dazzled someone into meeting for coffee or a movie or dinner, and came up with zilch. I've never asked a woman out. Ever. My relationships have all been friends-turned-lovers affairs, helped in no small part by copious amounts of alcohol or boredom. Sometimes both. If it weren't for alcohol and lack of entertainment options, I'd probably only have one serious relationship to show for my entire life. And that only happened because somebody told somebody who told somebody else that I was crushing like crazy on my best friend at the time, back in school. I actually ran two miles when she asked me about it.

A few days ago, I decided I'd do something about this glaring omission in an otherwise respectable catalog of life experiences. I'd moved a few weeks ago to my old college town and discovered I could just coast along on the back of some college-time notoriety that appears destined to follow me to my grave. But then I met someone. Of the how-we-met variety, all cute coincidences and common interests. But I couldn't close. I couldn't even begin to close. So I figured I should probably get some practice at this thing if I really didn't want to die alone and called up an old friend from college and asked her if she wanted to meet for a drink.

She said no.  Then she said, "haha only kidding!" and I remembered why I hadn't kept in touch all these years. But it was too late to pull out, so meet we did, earlier tonight for what was possibly the longest five hours in the history of mankind. We did drinks, then dinner, then a movie. I actually borrowed her phone to check my Twitter feed about halfway through dinner because I could have been comatose and she would not have noticed. She was a talker, that one. Through drinks, dinner, even the movie. I think I cringed when she asked if I'd be in town next week.

At least she came with internet. Of course, the ones you care about never mail or text when you want them to. On the plus side, I read up on the different classical dances of India. Better yet, I managed to write these few lines, dubious as they are of quality. It's the most writing I've done in almost a month, and hopefully that will change. And I'll just go back to hanging around bars till closing time hoping somebody's drunk enough to want to go home with a non-starter.

                      Icy High's Music Recco: First Date by Blink 182. For school times' sake.


unikorna said...

:))))) Forgive me but you are very hilarious. Your romantic misfortunes are painful indeed but...you do seem to learn the best of them. I am sure you'll eventually meet Her...you're too cute and smart to stay single for too long.

Workingdan said...

I am much the same way. I have never asked anyone out. All of my relationships were set up by friends. All 2 of them.

Well there was that one time when I was at a bar.... nevermind. I'm still trying to block that out. Man, she was fugly!

Fugly= fucking ugly!

kbbuddingwriter said...

"...somebody told somebody who told somebody else that I was crushing like crazy on my best friend at the time, back in school. I actually ran two miles when she asked me about it."
I would want to know about ^this!

Lucky you. Just enjoy life. Go with the flow, or "go wif da flowz," as my 'gangsta' friends say it.

aziasaidwhat said...

"At least she came with internet" ... Oh, you poor thing! That is hilarious and awful at the same time. I love it. Don't be so scared of going after what you want-- ladies eat that shit up.

The Angry Lurker said...

Some people are meant to be hermits!

Revacious said...

Lol, quite funny. And I think all (romantic) comedies have happy endings, so I don't think you'll do too bad. Best of luck!

RCB said...

A dating neanderthal... mmm never heard of those before. Come to think of it, in my 42 years on this planet I've never asked a girl on a date. Somehow they always found me. Never thought about it before.

Al Penwasser said...

Instant Apocalypse:
Add plutonium, a dash of instability, with a pinch of paranoia. Shake well. Serves billions.
I remember the last time I asked a girl out. That was 27 years ago.
Oh...my...how that turned out.

A Beer for the Shower said...

I never really asked a girl out either. It was mostly just something we both talked about and agreed on. And also, thank God for smartphones, right? Now you can play Angry Birds instead of listening to her name off her 47 cats.

Katy Anders said...

None of your readers appear to have ever asked a girl out. Except for me.

How does THAT work?

Do a poll.

I think your readership just might be composed solely of guys afraid to ask chicks out. And me.

Lori said...

Oh my love but what you fail to realize is that most long term relationships are based on friendship. There is a place for the one-night stands in the tawdry motels with bad furniture. The cool thing about having sex with a friend is that when you wake up in the morning there is no awkward moments because you are already comfortable with each other.

Jenny Woolf said...

Hey you know something I would just close my eyes and take a deep breath and then open my eyes and do it. Often. With anyone who seemed half way okay. When I had got used to it then I could ask out the ones I really wanted.

Ygraine said...

You have set me thinking!
In my four significant relationships I was the one who asked the guy out.
In the others, they asked me out. But these never really got off the ground. Can't really say why. Maybe being asked out made me suspicious in some way, or felt like giving away control over my own destiny.
Perhaps it's just an instinctive form of self-protection!

Anonymous said...

You either have the confidence or your don't to approach that beautiful looking girl. That said, often it good to give them something to think about before you come out with it. Like for example, this girl who I occasionally see during my lunch break has my attention - something about her is so appeal - so I caught up with her one time two weeks ago and I uttered a few words along the lines of "I'm sorry to have pulled you over like this, very unorthodox of me, but I must say, you are indeed very '''glamorous'''....etc" to which she almost melted in her spot. Days later, while in a queue to pay for my weekly shopping, I get a tap on the shoulder, and guess who it is, that same girl.

She took a liking to the compliment I gave her, and while we both chatted away while paying for our weekly shopping we immediately had a quick drink together and exchanged numbers. Can't mention what happened afterwards but you get the picture of how you can set a bait and let the pray fall for it.

I don't do relationships as I find them (from past experiences to be complete waste of time, especially when you have no interest in marrying them) so now I have just the one relationship with many of them and that is a 3 letter word and starts with S and end with a X.

icyHighs said...

Hey, thanks for reading you guys. I need to figure out that reply-to-each comment thing, but Katy Anders raises a good point. LOL. Good to know I'm not the only one anyway.
Ygraine, why couldn't you be living around these parts? :)