19 Jun 2012

Reality Bites

Aunt H's bath salts did not suit Edvard's delicate constitution.  
A few days ago, while watching the news on TV with my Dad and nephew:

Nephew: "Please. Can we watch Cartoon Network? Pleeeaase?"
Me: "Sorry buddy. You know what Grandpa's like if he doesn't get his hourly news fix. Look, an explosion!"

Nephew: "Whoa! What is that?"
Me: "Oh, some terrorist somewhere basically strapped a bomb to his chest and then let it go off in the middle of the day in a shopping mall."

Nephew: "O.K. What was that?"
Me: "Pretty cool huh? It's called an earthquake. The earth just kind of starts shaking, like that building in Italy, see? The shakes get so bad, buildings start tumbling down."

Nephew: "Oh my God!"
Me: "I know, right? See, this happened in America. Some guys just started snacking on other people's faces."
Dad: "Zombies, all of them!"

Me: "Oh come on, Dad! Why do you always turn it off when the sports bit comes on?"
Dad: "I don't want your nephew to grow up thinking winning is everything. Sports is too competitive."
Nephew: "Yeah, I want to play a video game."
Dad: "No more video games for you. Too much violence."

Dad and I step out on the veranda to look at the moon, grunt at each other and say things like "looks like rain, oh she's 'bout to come down hard" though we know nothing about such matters. It helps us feel manly. That's when we hear the strains of the most terrifying music known to man.

We run back inside, but it's too late. The lights have been turned off, but the TV is on as we know only too well. The opening credits roll to a halt, and the screen is ablaze in the fiery reality of Junior MasterChef.

Looming out of the wasteland between couch and TV is the silhouette of what was once my little nephew, wielding remote control in hand. I stifle a 120 million dollar scream.

"Get the power drill," says Dad, "we have to finish him before he turns, or he'll infect the others."

 Icy Highs's Music Recco: "The Dope Show" from Mechanical Animals (1998), by Marilyn Manson 



Windsmoke. said...

That was real funny especially the zombie part. Don't watch reality shows because they are not real at all :-).

Jenny Woolf said...

Hrm. Thought provoking.

Omygod its years since I saw Marilyn Manson. Do you know he is doing a movie in which he casts himself as Lewis Carroll, author of Alice in Wonderland?

icyHighs said...

Cheers Windsmoke, I really hope they're not real coz some of those characters are downright scary.

Jenny Woolf: Haha I heard about it a few years ago, even saw a trailer I think, but then wasn't there a rumour that the movie got canned? Maybe I'm talking about a different movie altogether; must Google it.

*Ahem* For the record, I haven't willingly listened to a Marilyn Manson track since I turned sixteen. This just seemed to go with the general theme of the post.


Workingdan said...

Kids are more of a monster than any flesh-eating zombie! But I still love them!

meandmythinkingcap said...

This is one reason why we feel awkward to watch TV with kids.

India NEWS is too much violence, they wont cover local news if at all it would be only accidents and killing and bombing where the camera would focus too hard on the torn up faces and cut off limbs. Especially the SUN news. blah.

Here it is too watered down, and only local news, weather and traffic and local sports so it is better to read from internet than watching news channels.

The Angry Lurker said...

It's for the best, no court would convict you!

Revacious said...

That's strange, most kids around here absolutely HATE Junior Masterchef and the deliciously cute judges (ok, my words), because parents suddenly want to shove them into the kitchen now, as if calligraphy/rollerskating/"personality development" classes weren't enough.

kbbuddingwriter said...

...the hell was that?

Yeah right, expose him to the world, with the moral values hidden. How very model.

unikorna said...

Kids discovering reality is always a painful experience to watch.

aziasaidwhat said...

THAT SONG. Yes! God- fit my mood perfectly today.

This was brilliant- I love reading conversations. I eavesdrop a lot- dialogue really intrigues me.


He'll end up watching Chopped re-runs and ruining his brain like me. :(

Ygraine said...

This is great. I especially liked the part about the zombie. It is hillarious!
I never watch reality shows myself.
I find most of the characters there more scary than those in horror movies!

Al Penwasser said...

Face-eating on the news...?
Or...Powderpuff Girls on the Cartoon Network.
Tough call.....
but zombies win.

austere said...

Were you like this at this age?
Worse could happen-- he could be watching Hindi soaps.

icyHighs said...

WorkingDan: They're more cruel too. My niece keeps poking me in the gut and asking me when the baby's due.

MAMTC: I know what you mean but it bugs me how easy it is for kids now, and the extent of stuff they're exposed to. I know what I'd have been googling at their age. The least we could do is make it less easy for the little douchebags.

Lurker - That was my line of thought too.

Revacious: What worries me is how cut-throat those kids are. Have you seen the show? What the hell happened to their childhood?

KB: Ask any parent- they're going to blame us for screwing up their lives anyway. Might as well live up to it.

Unikorna: I still remember watching a cow give birth on the farm when I was seven. Strangely, it wasn't as traumatic as I now imagine it would be. Reality TV on the other hand...

Azia: Ha, I'm so glad no-one's giving me stick for that song. Manson's got his moments.

Ygraine - Agreed. On that note, you should check out "Geordie Shore". You'll never walk alone after that, those voices stay in your head.

Al:Zombies win. They always win.

Austere: I was more of a paperback-and-cricket child myself. I do remember a Hindi soap called "Shanthi" from when I was growing up on DD -I don't understand Hindi so I've only watched bits and pieces, but the women on it sure seemed to cry a lot. A LOT.

A Beer for the Shower said...

Most people are too concerned about letting their kids watch something like Family Guy or South Park. I'd be more concerned about letting my kids watch the news.

icyHighs said...

I'd say South Park needs to be part of school curriculum.

phatichar said...

Speaking about your niece poking your gut, my nephew did the same thing and said, "mama, twins hai?"

Jax said...

It's funny to hear the reaction of a child versus the reaction of an adult.

The zombie thing still scares the crap out of me!! That was awful. Did you see the picture? Scary and disgusting.

goatman said...

Dad is right: sports is too competitive -- and hurtful. Brings on that "us against them" mentality which results in wars and road rage.
Hey, why are the Americans eating faces?

We don't get news anymore -- they've pulled all the reporters for financial reasons. We see fires, floods and notification of new programming. I am adrift ~~~~~

icyHighs said...

Phatichar - Twins, eh? Time to hit the exercise bike (as I'm constantly reminded)!

Jax - Freaked me right out. Though I did love the hilarious Helen Mirren + Bill Cyrstal zombie spoof of When Harry Met Sally.

Goatman - Much as it depresses me, I cant seem to stop myself from constantly monitoring the news. It's not helping my faith in humanity.

The Beans said...

I quite like how after watching news about bombs, earthquakes and cannibalism (in Miami, no less), video games are suddenly too violent. :P

-Barb the French Bean

Sakshi Singh said...

This was real funny!

icyHighs said...

Barb, my Dad's rationale is: "at least the News doesn't have that nasty hip hop music."

Cheers Sakshi.

Helena said...

Icy - you fired a funny warmth in me! This post is hilarious!

Celestial Dreamz said...

haha ... loved reading it ... you do have a way with your pen ... umm ...keyboard ...

ashok said...

:) nice post to read

Sanjana said...


But I don't get what's wrong with Jr Master Chef! (other than those kids putting me to shaaaame with their cooking skills).

RCB said...

So deep. Too deep. Now what's on today?

icyHighs said...

Thanks for reading guys.

Sanjana: I just resent how cocksure those kids are. They're practically robots!

RCB: I'm still reeling from being introduced to "Kourtney and Khloe take Miami" yesterday. Lock up your daughters, there are more air-headed Kadarshians to emulate!

Lori said...

I liked this piece you wrote. Do you remember the day when kids played outside all day and weren't behind a remote or video controller? Also the video of Marylin was the icing on the cake. Love the whole thing!

icyHighs said...

I know, right. Just a lot of street cricket or swimming, no bloody video game console or iPad. #NinetiesChild

austere said...

What happened?
You've been v quiet.

Aysh said...

I like how you made the news so entertaining! It usually just depresses me, but I'll try putting your spin on things ;)

Aysh said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Igirit said...

I know I said this already but god you're funny.
Why you no post?

Crack You Whip said...

So funny! I surely hope he didn't "infect" anyone!

Abhyudaya Shrivastava said...

Haha... I loved this one.