12 May 2012

Why I Suck At Casual Sex




Before you snigger away, I'd like to make it clear that I don't mean the actual act, of course. I have it on good authority that I'm not any worse at casual sex than I am at relationship sex. How do I know? Because of the three serious relationships I've had, two of them started as casual enounters. 
I don't know if there's a general concensus as to what constitutes casual sex. My understanding of the term is: sex between strangers, or between acquaintances, sans any emotional involvement. When I approach a stranger in a bar or a club, I do so- as most decent people do- with this tenet lodged firmly in my mind.

I imagine scenarios where I climb out her bedroom window the next morning while she's still asleep, or trick her into stepping out of the car for some air and drive off into the sunrise. But these things never pan out in real life. I almost always end up staying for breakfast, or exchanging numbers or adding them on Facebook as soon as I get home.

 On one horrifying morning-after, I invited a girl who's name I couldn't remember to a weekend music festival with my mates. Not only did I spend the weekend extricating myself from situations where I may have had to say her name, I also conveniently forgot to mention the fact that she was with me to my mates who were promised a lads-only weekend.

This meant staging an elaborate ruse whereby I 'bumped' into her at the entrance in full view of my mates, and she ended up sort of hanging around in the background like a Casper mime. I spent my time alternating between telling my mates that the girl was certainly odd for following us around, and telling her that my mates were just too ill-mannered for a formal introduction.  

Both my 'serious' exes were casual encounters-turned-relationships through my propensity to text relentlessly. I can continue a conversation for hours and days, and sometimes, weeks, by text. Within three hours of having met me, women usually know everything about me from my favourite of the 4 Non Blondes  to why I resent my ex's goldfish. I'm a chatty man, and addicted to the sound of my own voice; for ever fascinated by the story of my own life. Sometimes, I wonder if I only have sex to trick women into feeling obliged to listen. 

As for the golden rule of casual sex- no emotional involvement- I'm even more ill-equipped for that one. I cried when I lost the pen I used to write my first short story. I have named household objects after women I've been with, and parts of girlfriends' bodies after sports teams. I'm incapable of emotional unattachment- to people, animals or things. If anything, I attach everything, and then superglue them together with emotion.    

I was once in the enviable position of being FWB with a rather attractive girl. We were neighbours in uni in Glasgow, and we had common friends back home, and she had a boyfriend. I was in a new country, and I was not looking to be tied down. It was perfect. She had a mouth like a salior, and a body that had never known failure. To top it all off, we detested each other on principle. There was nothing there but pure physical need.

It should have been a learning curve, a springboard to sexual greatness. We broke every rule in the book, plumbed new depths of depravity with every coupling for the first three months. I'll never forget the thrill of listening to her have phone sex with her boyfriend while we tried out a new position. Or the sickening aftertaste of lips that have just tasted my piss. But then winter came.

Winter somehow domesticated things; necessitated cuddling and partnered preparation of Christmas dinners. I put on a few pounds, she stopped waxing, and before we knew it, we were having relationship sex. We did assignments together, and went for walks. Luckily, our mutual hatred was just strong enough to never push us into a romance. My inability to walk away after a good innings meant we skipped romance and headed straight for long-and-bitter-marriage territory. She bit off a small piece of my ear on the last night we spent together.

I would like to apologize today to the women I’ve been with, whose welcome I subsequently overstayed. I wish I could blame the absence of a male role model in my childhood, but that would not be true. I remember when I first realized I had this condition. I was watching Cruel Intentions with my best friend, both of us excited and a little guilty about just how hot Sarah Michelle Gellar was. Remember how Sebastian had that scrapbook of all the women he had slept with? You’d think that’s what would stick in an impressionable teenager’s mind. Not in the case of yours truly. Do you know why? Frickin’ John Cusack, that’s why.

"Ïn your eyes" soundtracked many a childhood daydream.
Long before Cruel Intentions, long before pop music and Nick Hornby had infiltrated my soul, there was John Cusack. There he stood under women’s windows, clad in Nike high tops and that ridiculously cool coat, arms aloft holding a boombox over his head blaring Peter fucking Gabrielle. That was the beginning and the end. It was such a formative image, one that set in stone the notion and undying romance of the Grand Gesture. Every woman, every liaison in my life has been molded in expectation of that moment – the search for the woman who would finally give me the opportunity to make my Grand Gesture. It’s not that I’m unable to detach my emotions from sex, or even that I’m a romantic. I’m simply in search of a moment, and I can’t take the chance that I may lose out on it by not calling or emailing someone I’ve already slept with.   

To the bartender who woke up to find freshly-picked daffodils by the bed, the Russian student I moved in with briefly, the school teacher whose house I showed up at unannounced (you really should have told me you were married), to all the other women whose lives have been made poorer by my continued presence, by my audacity to stick around after and to remember birthdays and inquire about ailing moms, my inability to perceive you as objects of sexual gratification alone, I’m sorry. I’m terribly, sincerely sorry I suck out of bed.  

                            Icy Highs's Music Recco: "What's up" by 4 Non Blondes


19 comments:

Workingdan said...

I have never been able to have sex without emotional attachment. Sometimes I regret it. I have missed out on ample opportunities to sleep with some very fine women.

But I am also proud of it as well. There has been less heartbreak or awkwardness as a result. Plus sleeping around would give me a reputation of being a player, a user. The kind of women I would be attracted to would find this as a turn off.

I'm just an old softy...with very few notches on my belt! I feel like I have missed out on a lot of fun times but at least I haven't hurt anybody.

aziasaidwhat said...

I hope this all true. Wait, what the fuck am I saying? Who gives a rats ass if it's all true- it was brilliant. Your writing style fascinates me. I'm glad I've found you.

On FWB- the thing I learned during my ... younger years... in order to not get too attatched- the sex can't be that great. It has to be good, okay, alright, but not great. And, definintely not the best you've ever had.

meandmythinkingcap said...

wow.. that was an interesting post :)
Is this work of fiction or a milestone from autobiography?

I dont think women maybe only me cant exactly say the difference between emotionally attached sex and casual sex with strangers, I am too old and too late to experiment all those.

I loved your narration and style.

Sarge said...

Icy,
Good God! Have yo yet to learn the difference between "making love" and "fucking"? Sharon Kay once accused me of making love at her instead of to her. Come on! We are banging our brains out and she wants to play head games.
In Korea the 2nd tour od duty I banged a call regularly that did not like me and I did not like her.
She had heard from another girl about my nocturnal prowess and I had heard that she was a great peice of ass. We banged hard a lot of times.
Ain't nothing wrong with a quick fuck or a blow job - Do return the favor so she cums too.


Moved in. My old Hooters closed just after I left - revenue loss was too massive? This new one is 1.1 miles away and has some HOT tail in it! Well, one location with two universities in town - they get a prime selection to chose from.
The town is okay. Not Indianapolis.
But, we also don't have near the crime. INDY is likely three or four times the size of Evansville.
Found a Thai place, and two Asian groceries. And, a great little grocery with their own butcher shop. Great sausage.

I am doing jambalya for a Hooter girl Wednesday. I make it spicy.
Look, if need it; can you get me some serious kick-ass hot curry?
I have some with a decent bite but I am looking for something more serious....

Now, get your ass out there and get your ashes hauled and forget this casual sex vs making love crap!


Best,


Colonel Ron

The Colonel is Kentucky...

Windsmoke. said...

Having sex without emotional attachment is hard but i wouldn't apologise for it because the majority of women wouldn't :-).

Ravi Akula said...

Interesting post...

Animesh said...

Sexual attachment I cannot allow without emotional.

Lori said...

John Cusak and 4 NonBlondes? Wow, those two mentions in one post? I loved reading it. At the end of the day it is what it is and you are who you are. That's a good thing....;)

Helena said...

I can't quite remember the casual sex thing (married 23 years - fidelity intact) but I was stupid enough for attachment sometimes.

ps.......what Glasgow uni was it?

goatman said...

This started to read like a commencement speech to the class of '12.
Just needed th final words of advice and wisdom?

red dirt girl said...

Icy,

You are endlessly fascinating. I'm so glad you are a writer!

I could write the story that's 180 degrees opposite of yours. Of the befuddled males I pushed out my door in the early am with a quick kiss on the cheek and a reminder to not call me, I'll call you ... (no worries. I never gave out my real phone number). I figured if the Sebastians of the world can make scrapbooks, I could, at the very least, notch my door jambs. Nothing shocking for your world. In mine? Let's say I was born a generation too early.

I love your Grand Gesture. And thank you for introducing me to 4 Non Blondes !! good to know I'm not too old to learn something new.

xxx

icyHighs said...

Thanks for reading and commenting,you guys. Sorry I'm not responding straight away - laid up in bed with a bad back. Will pop in on your blogs once health (and the ability to poop sitting up) is restored.

Helena:I went to Glasgow Uni for my postgrad, and spent another three years there working and generally having a good time.

Red: Too bad we didn't meet during your wild(er) years! Kidding. Never too old for new music, if you ask me. And the 4 non blondes are so brilliantly 90s.

Rose said...

*chuckles* bad back - thats just karma making its rounds :D Great write - I wonder if you are the only man who can't do emotonless casual sex or the only one brave/stupid enough to confess? Hope you heal;)

Celestial Dreamz said...

chuckles! heal fast :)

thebritishasianblog said...

Towards women - I have no emotions - incoming or out-going. But I have to admit I 'pretend' to have emotional attachment - only long enough to gain access to their inner workings: Once in - its jingle bells all the way.

You must, by now, have read my post about my encounter with a girl called Simren - its all on my blog, and I had to confess to a couple of things.

You see, casual sex is brilliant. It's like playing football once a week, you think about it all week, you get ready for it, warm up and turn up - play your gain, score plenty of goals (sometimes you want to win, sometimes you let the opposition power you and they win and at times its a draw) you have your shower, get dressed and shakes hands and hope to meet next week, same time and same place.

Relationships which involve emotional attachment are like that full time job where, as well as work all week 9am till 5:30pm you have to go in on Saturdays too. You only get paid once a week or once a month (paid i.e. sex).

I make no secret that I am a casual sex guy, and those acquaintances I have (single or not, married or not) seem to enjoy casual sex too - but to get to that position you have to be honest with them of your intentions, albeit after you have gained access to their inner workings.

Brilliant post - and I'm happy to help you my friend.

Monz501 said...

@thebritishasianblog

you are an asshole... .


I loved the post..although i have to say sex with emotional attachmetn is a lot more meaningful and feels better ( i have been told for both sexes) than just pure casual sex.

Sanjana said...

FWB never works. At least not for me.
Brilliant writing! Fascinating!

Sanjana said...

and oh! i HATE that movie and fucking John Cusack and Say Anyfuckingthing! Ruined everything for me, for a long while.

*breathe*

I'm better now though. kinda :P

icyHighs said...

kinda, huh? kinda is good. we all need a little insanity.