Daggering: Let's do it for the children

I had to google 'daggering' to find out what it means, but that's only because I'm old. It's what all the kids are doing these days. As with most teenage fads, daggering has been given the "this is EVIL" treatment, most recently by the Office of the Children's Commissioner in the UK. That's when I decided to look up what the kids have been up to these days.   

Here's what I found: daggering is a 2-partner style of dancing popular in dancehall clubs, that consists chiefly of simulating various sexual positions to music. In other words, kids these days may score higher on their SATs, but they haven't deviated much from what my generation used to do at their age. We just used to call it dry-humping. 

                           

                                              "I think she likes me bro. "

Jamaica -where daggering originated- reportedly witnessed a spike in incidents of fractured penises since it went billboard. I first assumed that a lot of Jamaican men mistake walls for women after consuming alcohol. But on further research, it turns out they've just been daggering without the consent of the women involved. Err, that's just called rape isn't it? 

In fairness to Jamaican men, the ol' dagger-on-impulse move has for long been the mating call for feckless men like me. Oh, don't you judge me! You know how it is - you're at the bar, miserable, drinking on your own, and some drunken woman takes the gamble that you're not a complete sociopath and sort of dances around you. 

You do that awkward dance-nod in return, and if there's reasonable eye contact, you do a little impromptu daggering. I'm not talking about full-blown air-rape; just a little prod to make sure you're not hallucinating. Because you can't really ask, can you, you wouldn't be in this situation if you had conversation skills. It's not even sexual to be honest because you're acutely aware at that moment of just how pathetic you are. It's really a cry for help. So to Jamaican rogue daggerers fracturing their penises, I say: if you're going to dagger without consent, do it in moderation.

Women are remarkably civil about this too. I have never once had a woman get mad due to my misguided daggering. They're drunk and lonely too, they know why they're dancing around the only guy drinking alone at the bar. It's an accepted mating ritual for lonely people. It usually takes them about a second to decide if they're interested, and they always leave politely if they're not. Some laugh, but they mean well really.

Besides, women do it too. If you hang around late enough, some lonely soul will come around and grind her bottom against your crotch. Again, nothing invasive, just an inquisitive little twitch that says: "do you want to?"  

I've always imagined my face must look particularly uncomfortable when I dagger; definitely not my best look. You're basically using your penis as an everyday implement - like using it to stir pasta, or sticking it under someone's armpit to take their temperature. You can't put on a come-hither face when you're doing that. I'm told by a reliable source that my face is a mixture of apology and self-loathing, with just the lightest sprinkling of hope on top. Which is basically my bedroom-face. 

A couple of days ago in the UK, Sainsburys was forced to issue a public apology because the pamphlets for their Active Kids Scheme contained photographs of brand ambassador David Beckham, on whose arm is clearly tattooed a lingerie-clad Victoria Beckham. I dare say I'm not alone in applauding British schools on this one - no human being, let alone kids, should have to endure the torture of seeing Victoria in her undies. 

But to take away dry-humping? That's a rite of passage, you tossers! Why don't you tell them the Easter Bunny isn't real while you're at it? Unless, those wily Brits are being their usual liberal-minded selves, and intentionally upping the cool-factor by having the adults frown upon daggering. Yeah, that'll sell it to the kids. More air-rape for the young 'uns, and some cultural enlightenment too while they're at it.

                      

                         "Fuck you Dad, you just don't GET daggering!"

I can just imagine Prime Minister David Cameron sitting young Arthur Elwen on his lap and saying: "I saw you earlier, you know, with that Marcy Montgomery from first grade. No need to be embarrassed, wee man, it's perfectly natural. And, did you know when a man does that to a woman in Jamaica, it means he loves her?" 

Still, funny term, this daggering, eh? Sounds a bit vicious, like knifing, or war-mongering. Frankly, I'm thrilled with all the attention it's been getting. Now that Black men are doing it (and I think we can all agree that no demographic looks more at home in a nightclub than the 20-something Black male), we can all rest assured that it's not just for people with low self-esteem. White men can't dance, Asian men feel indignant that they're even expected to dance and no straight man in my acquaintance actually enjoys dancing. So if the Black guys are daggering, it must be alright.

               
 If you ask me, any mating ritual that takes conversation out of the equation should be whole-heartedly promoted. I can honestly say that every time I make small talk just to avoid sleeping on my own, I die a little inside. Is that what you want for your kids? Ha, I didn't think so. Let's make this the norm, shall we. A bit of daggering on the side, and save the children's souls in the process. Game on.