31 Mar 2012

Daggering: Let's do it for the children


I had to google 'daggering' to find out what it means, but that's only because I'm old. It's what all the kids are doing these days. As with most teenage fads, daggering has been given the "this is EVIL" treatment, most recently by the Office of the Children's Commissioner in the UK. That's when I decided to look up what the kids have been up to these days.   

Here's what I found: daggering is a 2-partner style of dancing popular in dancehall clubs, that consists chiefly of simulating various sexual positions to music. In other words, kids these days may score higher on their SATs, but they haven't deviated much from what my generation used to do at their age. We just used to call it dry-humping. 

                           
                                              "I think she likes me bro. "
Jamaica -where daggering originated- reportedly witnessed a spike in incidents of fractured penises since it went billboard. I first assumed that a lot of Jamaican men mistake walls for women after consuming alcohol. But on further research, it turns out they've just been daggering without the consent of the women involved. Err, that's just called rape isn't it? 

In fairness to Jamaican men, the ol' dagger-on-impulse move has for long been the mating call for feckless men like me. Oh, don't you judge me! You know how it is - you're at the bar, miserable, drinking on your own, and some drunken woman takes the gamble that you're not a complete sociopath and sort of dances around you. 

You do that awkward dance-nod in return, and if there's reasonable eye contact, you do a little impromptu daggering. I'm not talking about full-blown air-rape; just a little prod to make sure you're not hallucinating. Because you can't really ask, can you, you wouldn't be in this situation if you had conversation skills. It's not even sexual to be honest because you're acutely aware at that moment of just how pathetic you are. It's really a cry for help. So to Jamaican rogue daggerers fracturing their penises, I say: if you're going to dagger without consent, do it in moderation.

Women are remarkably civil about this too. I have never once had a woman get mad due to my misguided daggering. They're drunk and lonely too, they know why they're dancing around the only guy drinking alone at the bar. It's an accepted mating ritual for lonely people. It usually takes them about a second to decide if they're interested, and they always leave politely if they're not. Some laugh, but they mean well really.

Besides, women do it too. If you hang around late enough, some lonely soul will come around and grind her bottom against your crotch. Again, nothing invasive, just an inquisitive little twitch that says: "do you want to?"  

I've always imagined my face must look particularly uncomfortable when I dagger; definitely not my best look. You're basically using your penis as an everyday implement - like using it to stir pasta, or sticking it under someone's armpit to take their temperature. You can't put on a come-hither face when you're doing that. I'm told by a reliable source that my face is a mixture of apology and self-loathing, with just the lightest sprinkling of hope on top. Which is basically my bedroom-face. 

A couple of days ago in the UK, Sainsburys was forced to issue a public apology because the pamphlets for their Active Kids Scheme contained photographs of brand ambassador David Beckham, on whose arm is clearly tattooed a lingerie-clad Victoria Beckham. I dare say I'm not alone in applauding British schools on this one - no human being, let alone kids, should have to endure the torture of seeing Victoria in her undies. 

But to take away dry-humping? That's a rite of passage, you tossers! Why don't you tell them the Easter Bunny isn't real while you're at it? Unless, those wily Brits are being their usual liberal-minded selves, and intentionally upping the cool-factor by having the adults frown upon daggering. Yeah, that'll sell it to the kids. More air-rape for the young 'uns, and some cultural enlightenment too while they're at it.

                      
                         "Fuck you Dad, you just don't GET daggering!"

I can just imagine Prime Minister David Cameron sitting young Arthur Elwen on his lap and saying: "I saw you earlier, you know, with that Marcy Montgomery from first grade. No need to be embarrassed, wee man, it's perfectly natural. And, did you know when a man does that to a woman in Jamaica, it means he loves her?" 

Still, funny term, this daggering, eh? Sounds a bit vicious, like knifing, or war-mongering. Frankly, I'm thrilled with all the attention it's been getting. Now that Black men are doing it (and I think we can all agree that no demographic looks more at home in a nightclub than the 20-something Black male), we can all rest assured that it's not just for people with low self-esteem. White men can't dance, Asian men feel indignant that they're even expected to dance and no straight man in my acquaintance actually enjoys dancing. So if the Black guys are daggering, it must be alright.


               
 If you ask me, any mating ritual that takes conversation out of the equation should be whole-heartedly promoted. I can honestly say that every time I make small talk just to avoid sleeping on my own, I die a little inside. Is that what you want for your kids? Ha, I didn't think so. Let's make this the norm, shall we. A bit of daggering on the side, and save the children's souls in the process. Game on.                


  


12 comments:

icyhighs said...

Sorry Sarge, Blogger's been pissing me about. Tried to reply to your comment and deleted it in the process.
To answer your question: no, you would'n't get caned in Singapore for daggering. I don't think you would, anywhere. It's a perfectly reasonable mating call if you ask me.

Workingdan said...

Daggering certainly doesn't sound pleasant. Sounds more like a homicide!

I've never heard of the term before but I have definitely seen it. Even done it myself... but only in the privacy of my own home. I'm not hip on dancing and I look like an idiot whenever I try to do so. I avoid dancing in public at all costs.

My wife loves to dance but I hate it! But of course I probably hate it because I can't do it. I also don't find it very sexy when I find myself or dance partner both drenched in sweat. The only time 2 sweaty bodies pressed together is acceptable is in the bedroom.

meandmythinkingcap said...

hahaha. That picture of cute girl flipping the bird just cute.
My four year old for a while was saying "f@#! you" whenever he heard someone sneeze. I dont know where he got that from, but instead of "bless you" he was saying "f!@# you" with love and concern.
Oh my! took a while to make him forget that world.

icy_highs said...

'Ello Dan. I couldn't agree more, I find it impossible to not look and feel like a complete tool when I'm dancing. Same goes for sweating - unhygienic, and not in the least appealing in any way.

Thinkingcap: You have a 4-year old? You're a braver man than I. Love the bless you- fuck you mixup. I'd have loved to be in the room when that happened.

Revacious said...

Makes me think, maybe u should give your blog a "This is evil" treatment too. You know, that content warning saying "suitable only for adults." Might increase your traffic, just sayin..

icyhighs said...

Sounds like you're accusing me of corrupting your young mind, Revacious!
I can only write about stuff I can relate to and I'm an adult -kind of- I guess. I'd probably change it to an adult rating thing if I knew how to change it, which I don't. Besides, nothing real offensive here, right.

Abhyudaya Shrivastava said...

Finally something to replace the waltz! I think there is not enough awareness on this dance-form. It's very sexy to the eyes of the beer-holder. I would've traced its roots back to ancient times but that would get my hands dirty.

thebritishasianblog said...

Living in the UK, the word daggering pretty much was news to me. Daggering in the UK happens almost everywhere. Some train lines, to populated urban areas at peak times gets totally crowded and those who stand up on their journeys sometimes experience daggering, especially when your fortunate enough to have a female stand in front of you, hands high holding the little bars above their heads for stability.

It's ironic that most drunken people don't remember what they got up to when they were so out of it - so daggering pretty much sounds like a notion to be outlawed and called illegal. Being drunk and no control of your actions simply means 'rape' albeit open air.

Few years ago, back at University dancing was as common as going to the toilet. In clubs I was barred for almost causing a riot on the dance floor - not because I couldn't dance and hit someone but because I danced with a girl who was the girl friend of a known big time wana-be gangster. The fact that she danced with me for over 20 odd minutes made me laugh of how come she was with me and not her boy friend - then the riot started.

icyhighs said...

Abhyudaya, your comments are as funny as your cartoons, good seeing you here!

Britishasianblog - "In clubs I was barred for almost causing a riot on the dance floor " That's something I wish I could say!

I do think the govt. is just making a fuss over nothing. I kinda get why its overly sexual if kids imitate it, but hell we all know what we were really up to as kids playing doctor or house.

Kids are going to discover sex one way or the other; and they're going to do it much earlier than we did coz frankly what the fuck else is left that's real? the govt. and parents better get used to it.

Revacious said...

Oh no, no, I wouldn't want u to change your writing, icyhighs, was just kidding.. And besides, if it's young, it's already corrupted, no?

The Beans said...

Let it be known that it was on your blog that I first heard of the term "daggering." I thought it had something to do with sharp blades, but obviously not. o_O

-Barb the French Bean

icyhighs said...

Hah, agreed, Revacious.

Hello Barb,
That's one for the history books. I'll never forget the wise man that introduced me to the term 'teabagging'. In my exaltation at finding out there's a name for it, I swear a halo appeared around the dude's head.