22 Mar 2012

The dude abides not

Icyhighs and Fatboy, back in the day


Two weeks of being back at my parents' house, and I've already fallen down the rabbit hole and straight into my teenage garb somehow. I have to constantly remind myself that I'm now an adult, that I can probably look my Dad in the eye and speak as I would to another adult, that I don't have to tiptoe around the house to avoid getting in trouble. Being here has somehow reversed time and cast me back in the role of Awkward Teenager. Take last night for instance.

It's a little past midnight, I'm down a few, and bored out of my skull in my room, and I suddenly remember Fatboy has a friend-who-smokes somewhere in this area. If you smoke, you'll know that a friend-who-smokes is a generic term that can apply to just about anybody-who-smokes whose existence you're vaguely aware of. If you're a smoker and you're new in town, or if you don't know where you can score some quality pot, you're within your rights to call the friend-who-smokes. The friend-who-smokes WILL comply. It's a thing.

I call Fatboy. But Fatboy doesn't want to hook me up. He has Stuff on his mind. Girl-stuff. It's boring, and we've gone over this a hundred times but I will comply. It's a bro thing.

"I swear nothing happened. I met her for like five hours. She took a shower, we had a drink in her room and she hurried back to the airport for her flight."
"It's not that I don't trust you. You know that, yeah? I don't trust her. I know she was into you."
"She was not into me. She was seeing you for fuck's sake. Besides, who cares, you dumped her ages ago."
"Yeah but you know what it's like. Imagine if-"
"Lalalallalalalalallalalala don't want to hear it."
"What?"
"I don't want to hear it. I forbid you from completing that sentence."
"What do you think I'm going to say?"
"I know what you're going to say. Don't say it."
"It's not what you think I'm going to say."
"How do you know what I think you're going to say?"

CLICK!


"What the hell was that?"
"Dad? Dad, I'm on the phone, if you're there. Just give me two minutes ok?"
"He's not on the phone, man. What are you, twelve?"
"Yeah, he wouldn't do that right? I'm almost thirty."
"Of course not. He'd probably think we're being a bit silly if he did hear us though."
"I guess. Anyway, nothing happened between us, you've got nothing to worry about-"
"But IMAGINEIFISLEPTWITH-"
"Oh my God, why the hell would you say that? Great, I can't get the image out of my head now. FUCK!"
"You broke up three years ago. Let it go. But now you understand yeah, why I keep asking you about-"
"FUCK you man, I fucked her, I fucked your chick you fat fuck."
"I knew it. That bitch. You bitch."
"Oh relax, I'm only messing."
"Oh. I knew....what the fuck? Did you just hear someone giggle?"
"What? It's Dad! DAD! Can you please get off the phone? Come on!"
"Mr. Highs.
WE.CAN.STILL.HEAR.YOU.GIGGLING.PLEASE.STEP.AWAY.FROM.THE.PHONE.SIR"
"Why're you doing that?"
"What?"
"The funny voice. He's my Dad, not a bank robber. Dad, can you please get off.... I think he's gone."
"Good. Listen, how do you know she wasn't into you? I don't care, I just want to know why you think that."
"Jesus, Fatboy. I don't know man, there was this invisible signboard: no sexual attraction lives in this town."
"This is what freaks me out. You think everybody wants to sleep with you. You said Sam's gran gave you a vibe! And you're telling me my absolute fucking whore of an ex didn't? You slept with her didn't you?"
"Oh, look, not this again. She had ZERO interest in me. I swear. It's something she said, that's how I know."
"What? What did she say?"
"It's embarassing. Not something she said exactly, something she called me."
"What? What did she call you?"
"It's embarassing. She said it ok? She said the word, so I know there was nothing going on."
"Oh my God, she didn't?"
"What?"
"She called you-"
"She called me 'dude' ok? She kept calling me 'dude'. Lke five times a minute. And we both know, 'dude' is just a less-brutal version of 'bro'. Girls don't call you 'dude' if they're planning on sleeping with you. Chicks get stoned with dudes. They don't fuck dudes."

That's when it happened. Have you ever jumped out of your skin because somebody just started talking behind you when you thought you were all alone? Something like that.

"Both of you," boomed my Dad's voice, "are idiots. I have never heard a more vaginal conversation, EVER. Your mother and sister speak about more interesting things than you two. And you have no respect for women. Stop running up the phone bill, and go to bed. Icy, you're going jogging with me tomorrow."
CLICK.

"Dude, I can't believe your Dad just did that. My Dad would never do that."
"Oh fuck off, your Dad is gay."
"Your Dad is gay. My Dad would kick your Dad's ass if he didn't enjoy it so much."

"GOTHEHELLTOSLEEP!"

"Sorry Dad, bye man."
"Bye man, bye Mr. Highs."









12 comments:

Sarge said...

Question:
You in Singapore or India?

As to them burka things - ever wonder whats under them? As to those Indian girls - I have seen some fine, fine, Indians - sprayed on bluejeans and silky black hair..
A friend of mine is Indian (Brit, actually, born in Beleze) and married a buxum blond here - they
have a daughter that can raise an erection on a dead homosexual.

Tried grass in Thailand - I don't smoke couldn't get high. Then the Air Force came out with the piss testing for THC.

Booze is better for you...


Sarge

icyhighs said...

Alright, Sarge. I was in Singapore till 2 weeks ago, now moved back to India.

It's not the burkhas man, it's just they're pretty protective of their women here. I'm stuck in this very conservative God-forsaken village because that's where my parents have recently moved to for work.

But no argument about Indian girls, I cannot wait to move to a city.
I prefer drink to pot too, but you get these cravings sometimes, you know.

Pink Gingham Girl said...

Haha... sweet jesus, this made me laugh. I knew living with your parents was going to provide some entertainment! Well done, sir.

Workingdan said...

And now I feel the need to take some hits from the bong!

I can imagine how living back with your parents can send you back in time. And from the nature of that conversation with fatboy, I'd say it did just that!

icyhighs said...

Glad you liked that, Pink.

More than I can disclose in public, Dan! Even porn seems more appealing all of a sudden (I hope that's hint enough).

Sarge said...

Icy,
That must have been a BIG change -
Singapore to friggin India. I am moving from Indianapolis back down to Evansville - both in the same state of Indiana. Evansville is a shit-hole and INDY is a major cosmopolitain city. However, the next place has its upsides too.
Horse-racing, a casino, Kentucky Whiskey - and the cost is way less.
I am getting a two bedroom for what a one bedroom costs here. And, I am buying a motor scooter so I can park my sports utility vehicle.

Get you a job, move the fuck out, and become your own man. As to the flesh - focus, son, focus.

I have a couple targets once I get back home - My old flame married someone else so I may bang her sister. Such is life.
Another corn fed hoggett wants me to take her on the Bourbon trail in Kentucky - I am a Kentucky Colonel. I may have to squire that.

Later on I may ask your advice on curry - I have some. But, it doesn't have the "bite" I like.

Stay off that pot. Look what happened to them Beatle boys - they got rich, did shit, then came the long hair, bell bottoms, and heaven only knows what else! I heard that the shit will turn your ass queer. Smoked it three times -
never sucked a single cock.

Okay? What do they wear under a Sari? In Thailand that was called a
sarong - and usually nothing.

Move in with the Fat Kid and eat at Mom and Dad's. That is what my meth-head nephew does - Goes by Mom and Dad's for chow. His ass is in for a rude awakening - I am going to open up a buisness and his sleepin til noon ass is going to work for me. Seven am start...


Sarge

icy_highs said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
red dirt girl said...

I really should have been asleep hours ago, but I am SO FRIGGIN' HAPPY that I stopped by to read this .... hilarious!!

So, now you're going to be a screenwriter ???

What a whirlwind you're living! I can't keep up.

xxx

icyhighs said...

Ha Red, it's really not as exciting as sounds. I basically just sit at home and get wasted and write furiously. But thanks for being happy for me!

icyhighs said...

Haha (*nervous laugh*) Sarge, you're scaring me a little with the let's-stone-the-stoners diatribe. This aggression will not stand, man! I guarantee you smoking has nothing to do with being queer - not that it's a bad thing.

India's not really a big change culturally, I lived here till I was 20, moved to Glasgow, then London,back to Glasgow, then Singapore for about 8 months now back here- been about 8 years in all. Living with parents however - been a good 12 years.

About curry, I wouldn't be much help. We have 2 cooks at home, and when I live abroad, I'm usually beached right next to a takeaway!

Fatboy still lives in Glasgow - he moved there about a year after I did and the bastard's happily chugging pints and eating awful British food and (not) missing the sun.

The girls just wear long skirts under saris. Here, sarongs are mainly for men. I gotta get me one of them bad boys. Good luck with your business, I'm looking into one myself.

Ramakant Pradhan said...

Hilarious read!! Still laughing after reading the post.

icyhighs said...

Cheers Ramakant, really enjoyed your photography work. I hope you'll keep clicking away.