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| "Pussy"? That's just like, derogatory, man. |
Meeting old acquaintances is always awkward. Especially when they think they have the skinny on you by virtue of the ol' alumni grapevine.
"So thanks for having me over, man, but you really didn't have to do this. I live like ten minutes from the bar we were at. As I kept telling you."
"Let's make a night of it. You can hold your drink, can't you?"
"Aren't you working tomorrow?"
"Nothing I can't handle. This is me being mellow, dude. I've seen some dark shit."
"That's good to know."
"Nothing you haven't seen, right? I heard about your thing, man."
"Yeah, well, people exaggerate."
"Dude, I get it. I told you, dude. I was in a band, man. Things happen when you're in a band."
"I'm sure. Yeah."
"Didn't you notice the posters?"
"Yeah, I figured you're a music person. I've never seen anybody do this before though."
"Do what?"
"You know, the thing, these posters..."
"They're all me."
"Yeah, I know. I mean they're not actually you, are they? You've just cut and pasted your head over James Hetfield's face."
"What? No, that's me on stage. With my band."
"I can see Lars Ulrich drumming away right behind you."
"I don't know what you're talking about. That's Andre, my drummer."
"Right."
"So what kind of thing do you write?"
"Oh, words, mostly. Are you sure you want another drink?"
"How many times must I tell you man? This is cool. We're cool. How's the pussy scene?"
"I'm sorry?"
"Chicks. How're the ladies?"
"What, in general?"
"No, for you, man. Do you get a lot of crazy pussy?"
"I can't say I've noticed any mental illnesses, no."
"I've been getting crazy pussy, man. Not like in the band days. But, oh yeah."
"I'm sure they enjoy it as much as you do."
"You bet they do. I can't even keep score anymore. There was Anjali, Angela, Amaravati..."
"Are you actually naming women you've slept with? Is that what you're doing right now?"
"Shut up, you fat bastard. Barbara, Bindu, Bryoni..."
"Did you just call me a fat bastard? Are you going alphabetically?"
"Cathy, Crazy Cathy, Wet Cathy.."
"Of course. As opposed to her more common cousin, Dry Cathy."
"Seriously, shut the fuck up you fat asshole. Deborah, Diana, Tall Diana, no wait, that didn't happen.."
"Look, can I please go home now? I think I might be a little exhausted. With life."
"Elizabeth, Esther, Eczema..."
"Is this like counting sheep for you? Is this how you go to sleep?"
"Fat Frances, Funny Frances. I'm sorry I called you fat, man."
"It's not the most factually inaccurate thing you've said tonight. Can I leave now?"
"Yeah, I think you should. I'm sorry things didn't work out between us."
"Yeah, me too. It's not you. I'm weird around lists."
"Bye, dude."
"Yup. Bye, man."
Icy Highs's Video Recco: "Yeah! - The James Hetfield Compilation."
