17 Dec 2011

Some like it angry


So I walk in on my mate watching porn the other day. Nothing dynamic going on, not porn-with-intent, just passive porn-watching, porn for background, porn because some-porn is better than no-porn. We do this. Men, I mean, we do this sometimes.

Having nothing better to do myself, I pull up a chair, grab an Oreo from the desk and settle in. My mate pushes the ashtray to a spot he must feel is about midway between us. I shift my attention to the screen.

Fairly standard fare. Jockish, muscular guy and housewifey, thirtyish woman; probably drives a Lexus. “Plumber?” I ask, “Pizza guy? No definitely not pizza guy. Neighbour? Son’s friend?” “Stepson,” my mate replies with some pride. “Nasty,” I say, impressed.   

Half an hour later, we are still in thrall. Conversation has taken on that superficial edge, that glaze of distracted abstraction that can only be brought on by passive-aggressive erections. This MILF is the Death of all intelligent communication.  

Much later, we’re having a drink at my local and we’re still talking about her. “What bugs me,” says my mate, “is the degree of aggro. You can’t genuinely enjoy sex with someone who seems so bloody angry all the time.” 

I silently concur. This has been the backbone of our disaffection for the internet for as long as we’ve known each other. Neither of us have slept with angry women, or evoked pornography-style anger in any of the women we’ve slept with. During, I mean. After is familiar territory.   

We’ve never felt angry either. The few times we’ve done the deed in pretend-anger, we’ve just felt outright silly. Here’s a kind, generous woman offering us the one thing we cannot do without. The one thing we cannot make or buy or borrow. This woman should be canonized! I usually feel grateful enough to cry.

Besides, I can’t help grinning like a maniac when faced with nudity. This has –somewhat ironically- been the cause of some anger if not plain resentment. But once my facial contortions are explained away as a medical condition, that 'those things' are in fact my bedroom eyes, the anger is replaced by mirth, even pity. I’m Charlie Chaplin of Sex.  

“Our problem is : we don’t know any angry women,” says my mate. “We should look in psychiatric hospitals,” I say, “or prison.” We ponder over the possibilities. We look up and suddenly, we see the light. It’s a compromise, its one-step-forward-two-steps-back, but it’s the next best thing.

Two reasonably attractive girls have just walked in and sat down at the next table. They’re clearly in their early tweens, much more age-appropriate than MILF From Hell. One of them –the one with the iPad-  is playing Angry Birds. Public gaming –in a bar, no less- is a sign of considerable mental instability. This augurs well for us. Though chances are there will be no angry-sex tonight.
    

7 comments:

premanjali said...

Haha! Funny will be an understatement - and you were blogging in a bar...that is as close to playing "angry birds" in company...

I think I still belong to some 19th century in a lot of ways - like for example - gaming, texting, blogging, facebooking, etc - is something that is done when you are bored at home - if you are out with your friends and that bored then go home...I have noticed so many times the bf-gf sit together and busy playing on their phones, ipad, etc...which is so stupid...

premanjali said...

Speaking of porn - i never understood how anyone foudn that turning on...lol...as in I have nothing against it...men/women can watch it everyday for all I care...but I often end up watching it as some amusing adult movie...like I would probably literally settle down with popcorns and coke...and laugh, groan, smile, cry, etc - but can never imagine being turned on by something which OTHER people are doing lol...

icyhighs said...

I'm with you there - total luddite. I wasn't blogging at the bar - I only use the comp at home! I think headphones in public is anti-social, and the less said about gaming, the better. Even my phone is a prepaid piece of crap that can just about make calls and send texts.

As for porn - that's a whole different debate.

premanjali said...

hehehe...i am sure you can't beat me when it comes to phones...i have Noke C2 - basically the $50 phone you get at 7-11...

to be honest, id di jump on the bandwagon of getting a BlackBerry and a iTouch...BB got spoilt and realised how little I cared for it anyway and the iTouch has become part of my home-audio system - used once in 3-4 months :p...

Its not that I am against gadgets...if I had my way I would like to all the new gadgets in town but having said that I probably will use it a few times and then keep it as showpiece...

Haha! It will be very interesting to hear "debate" on porn...I just don't get porn or any of the so called "toys" as sexual stimuli...it completely makes no sense...lol

And its 10am on a weekday so the last thing I want to do is speak of this...so back to work. ;)

deviousdiv said...

@Premanjali & @IcyHighs--- folk who are out in a social setting, and still fiddle with their electronic devices, are anti social to the extreme and deserve to have their ears tweaked.

Only exceptions that can be made are for poor folk who have to reply to work emails. And even that only barely.

Pornography has always been a source of humor for me. Watching it with girlfriends is practically a rite of passage at all bachelorette parties, a "what not to do" session for the poor bride, who at that point, is either to nervous, or too pissed.

MILFs on the other hand are disturbing. For god's sake people, just having the word "Mother" in the title should be a major turn OFF not a turn on ewwww... Even more disturbing are those really bad Japanese pornographic videos that involve women and men getting off on excrement, tentacles and god know what other fucking weird bullshit. Yuck.

As for Angry Sex--- gotta agree man- hard to be angry when you are naked. Maybe its just an "chee shame shame puppy shame" reflex that's bred into us with our social conditioning.

~deviousDiv

PS: Want to find bat crazy chicks? Come hang out at the National University of Singapore during Mid terms week at the arts and social sciences department. Loads of horny, sleep deprived mini Machiavellian princesses out there who'd seriously fuck with your mind and other parts.

I'd know- I used to be one of them. ;)

~deviousDiv

icyhighs said...

Never been into younger women to be honest. My mate says I prey on (I don't "prey". I can't even do less manly things like fix a broken washing machine or arm- wrestle.)over-the-hill lonely souls because they're more accepting of beer gut and ...err...brevity. This theory doth not fly with me coz I think sex is mostly compromise anyway.frankly, I just do it for a cuddle and the banter. If people are going to insist on conversation,they should do it in the nude. Or stick to letter writing.

red dirt girl said...

Funny. The post AND the comments. Get a little older, put some life experience under your belt, fall in love passionately to the point where you are lock, stock and barrel crazy - then fall out of love. It's a good recipe for angry sex.

Banter and cuddling are the icing on the cake.

xxx